i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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