remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
