got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
