i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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