something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This house was built for laser tag.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
