I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
