if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
