Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
