laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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