Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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