Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
