My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
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CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
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too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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