Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
