So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
