is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
