He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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