i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
