Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
