just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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