Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
