If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
