I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found your dick twin last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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