Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
