she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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