I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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