I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
