Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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