Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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