did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
