Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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