he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
