Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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