She went from zero to smokin in five shots
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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