So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
