I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
