i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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