i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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