Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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