just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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