She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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