Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
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she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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