Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
