i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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