Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
