I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
