I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize