my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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