I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
