my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
