i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
