I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize