the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
