I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
