This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Randomize
