I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
