Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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