so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
