Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
