everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
